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[overharrowed]

Incoming messages and correspondence for Enchanter Julius.

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[overharrowed]

[There's a brief pause, before he replies. Quiet, a bit tired:]

I suspect you meant at least some of it. And you apologized at the time.

[For some of it.]

[keenly]

It's not that simple.

[A pause.]

I don't think you're like that. There are people who are like that. And I couldn't confront them, so I confronted you. It was wrong.

[overharrowed]

I took you at your word when you said you wanted a discussion. I understand what you're afraid of, but if we can't even talk about it among ourselves, it doesn't bode well.

[keenly]

I did want a discussion. I didn't realize--I didn't know. I didn't think I'd feel what I did. And this is why I never, I never lead discussions or anything. I'm mad. I'm good at putting up a front, but I'm completely mad.

[overharrowed]

Being frightened isn't madness. But it also doesn't undo what was said. If I claim not to be a cook, but try my hand at cooking anyway and give everyone food poisoning, they're not especially comforted by the fact that I freely admit I'm bad at it.

What is it you want from me, Colin? [It's not hostile so much as wary; the sound of a man disinclined to get back into a circular argument he's recently exited.]

[keenly]

To forgive me. [A few breathless seconds.] To tell me that if I must go back, I'm not going back to the same situation I left. That you'll help and protect me.
And that's something you can't promise. I just...need to hear it, even so.

[overharrowed]

I forgive you for lashing out, though I wish I were more confident you properly understood why I take the position I do.

I can't promise you something that's in no way in my power. But I intend to work as hard as I can to secure a sustainable future we can live with. Collectively, all of us. That was true before, and it hasn't changed.

As for you and I... every mage from Kinloch Hold is family. I'm not going to turn my back on that. On you. But I'm also not going to pretend things are simpler than they are in order to make you feel comfortable. I hope that isn't something you'll require of me. I didn't think it was before, but you can tell me if I was wrong.

[keenly]

[A pause.]

The way I think of you hasn't changed. I still think I could live in a Circle you designed. I just want you to have the chance to design it. That's all I wanted from any of this. I wanted people like you to have the power to change things. And it frightened me to think you didn't want that power after all.

[overharrowed]

[There's a pause from Julius in turn.]

As several people have recently pointed out... we're no longer all of us in a position to think in total isolation. My future plans are certainly about mages, yes, but as Anders pointed out, I've a partner to think of who isn't a native mage. The future's necessarily gotten broader. Her plans matter too.

[If that sounds as if he's at least partly deferring to Petrana... well. It's meant to.]

[keenly]

[Gently, as if afraid to scare off a wild bird:] And she's a rifter, isn't she? She has the same fate we do.

[overharrowed]

[A longer pause this time.]

...yes? Did you think she or I had somehow missed that fact?

[keenly]

N-n-no. Julius, I’m just trying to understand your position. Please don’t be cross.

[overharrowed]

I'm not entirely sure what is so...

[He breaks off his first thought.]

I don't believe I'm saying anything terribly cryptic. Petrana is a capable and ambitious woman, and she and I have both given signficant attention to the future. I didn't expect that to be a difficult thought to follow.

[keenly]

That isn't, no. [Colin takes a breath. He very much wants to stop having this discussion.] But it's not an answer to my question. About not looking for the power to change things. Why are your plans so different if you're both going to the same place?

[overharrowed]

I don't know what about the fact that I'm involved with the woman who was, until recently, the head of the diplomacy division suggests to you that our joint plans amount to "passively accept whatever is handed to us." My point was that my aims have gotten broader, not smaller, since arriving in Kirkwall. And I don't know what about my behavior has convinced you that I'm not intending to be a significant part of the inevitable change that is going to follow in the Inqusition's wake.

[keenly]

[Colin's mild tone hardens, though it is just as quiet.]

You take for granted that someone else will make space for you in what's to come. But the only thing the rest of the world is concerned with is what they can get out of it, and they got more out of us when we were penned up making potions. They don't respect you or care if you have a voice. You're important here in the Inquisition, but when we're done here? Only the grace of the Divine could save us then. But first, she has to think you're a person. She has to care what you have to say.

[overharrowed]

I can't imagine why you think I take for granted anything of the sort. My questions earlier didn't spring from a misguided notion that it doesn't matter who wins the election, and frankly I'm slightly insulted that you thought they might have. Not stating my opinion publicly is not the same as not having an opinion.

[keenly]

[The steel leaves his voice, but it doesn't get quieter or louder. His train of thought doesn't seem to have even changed.]

I'm sorry. I'll stop.

[There's real regret in it, but no tears or pleading. He just seems tired.]

[overharrowed]

Perhaps you'd best, under the circumstances.

[He doesn't sound angry, exactly, but he's not conciliatory either.]