![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Oh.
[He's surprised. He supposes he shouldn't be, under the circumstances, but so many of them have just swept what happened under the rug or focused on anything else. (The Divine Election was to hand, among other things.) It almost seems as if he'd stopped expecting anyone to say anything at all. And so, there's a brief pause before he says:]
I told Madame de Cedoux, when we talked a little after. It's hard to know, with the three of us there, what was from your actual memory, and what was filled in. Anders' fears, my imaginings.
[A pause.]
It isn't as if I never pictured it. I saw enough of the aftermath, it was hard to avoid mentally stepping back to what must have happened. Fast, slow. Whether people suffered. But it felt... I hardly wanted to make anyone relive it, just to satisfy that sort of grim curiosity.
[He's surprised. He supposes he shouldn't be, under the circumstances, but so many of them have just swept what happened under the rug or focused on anything else. (The Divine Election was to hand, among other things.) It almost seems as if he'd stopped expecting anyone to say anything at all. And so, there's a brief pause before he says:]
I told Madame de Cedoux, when we talked a little after. It's hard to know, with the three of us there, what was from your actual memory, and what was filled in. Anders' fears, my imaginings.
[A pause.]
It isn't as if I never pictured it. I saw enough of the aftermath, it was hard to avoid mentally stepping back to what must have happened. Fast, slow. Whether people suffered. But it felt... I hardly wanted to make anyone relive it, just to satisfy that sort of grim curiosity.
[That brief pause has her wondering if she overstepped herself, but she relaxes a little as he begins to speak. Lifting her teacup, she takes a moment to sip. That centers her a bit more.]
It's difficult for me to say whether or not all that we witnessed was accurate to that horrific chain of events. I was a child, and I didn't see the spark that set the tower ablaze, or what the Hero of Ferelden did to put it out. I...do remember having a lesson in the library, hearing chaos from the stairs leading up to the second floor. Everything happened very fast after that, but not so quickly that I saw nothing. Those abominations you saw, the blood mages seeking other mages to torment or turn...I remember enough to know that was true.
[Her voice remains calm, that shattered composure long-since repaired, though her eyes darken a touch.] It's not anything I would ever have wanted to purposely inflict on anyone, though I suspect the spirits were drawn to me for my memories. For that, I am sorry. You have enough to balance, without being shown what happened in such explicit detail.
[It was as much his home as hers, and who wants to remember their home like that?]
It's difficult for me to say whether or not all that we witnessed was accurate to that horrific chain of events. I was a child, and I didn't see the spark that set the tower ablaze, or what the Hero of Ferelden did to put it out. I...do remember having a lesson in the library, hearing chaos from the stairs leading up to the second floor. Everything happened very fast after that, but not so quickly that I saw nothing. Those abominations you saw, the blood mages seeking other mages to torment or turn...I remember enough to know that was true.
[Her voice remains calm, that shattered composure long-since repaired, though her eyes darken a touch.] It's not anything I would ever have wanted to purposely inflict on anyone, though I suspect the spirits were drawn to me for my memories. For that, I am sorry. You have enough to balance, without being shown what happened in such explicit detail.
[It was as much his home as hers, and who wants to remember their home like that?]
[There's a brief pause, before he replies. Quiet, a bit tired:]
I suspect you meant at least some of it. And you apologized at the time.
[For some of it.]
I suspect you meant at least some of it. And you apologized at the time.
[For some of it.]
As I said, [quiet but wry.] It isn't as if I never imagined. We knew everyone who died that day. It's not as if the Circle was large enough for there to be stranger, even if you weren't equally close to everyone.
It always felt empty. I don't know about you, but it did to me. We had new apprentices, yes, the odd transfer, but it didn't make up for it.
[They'd lost people at Denerim, too, those who'd survived Uldred only to fall to the Darkspawn.]
It was hard not to feel guilty for not having been there, even though it was just chance. It's not as if there's any guarantee any of us who weren't there would have made any difference. But one can't help wondering.
It always felt empty. I don't know about you, but it did to me. We had new apprentices, yes, the odd transfer, but it didn't make up for it.
[They'd lost people at Denerim, too, those who'd survived Uldred only to fall to the Darkspawn.]
It was hard not to feel guilty for not having been there, even though it was just chance. It's not as if there's any guarantee any of us who weren't there would have made any difference. But one can't help wondering.
I took you at your word when you said you wanted a discussion. I understand what you're afraid of, but if we can't even talk about it among ourselves, it doesn't bode well.
I did want a discussion. I didn't realize--I didn't know. I didn't think I'd feel what I did. And this is why I never, I never lead discussions or anything. I'm mad. I'm good at putting up a front, but I'm completely mad.
Edited 2019-03-23 21:39 (UTC)
[She nods with a melancholy smile, remembering well a few faces who didn't survive the day whatever her actual closeness to them.]
That year was a hard one. The Circle felt emptier for a long time, and I know we all felt it. The Templars, too.
[Something she never talked about with Anders, certain he had no interest in that perspective.]
I think I understand what you mean. I hadn't made any meaningful contribution, but if I had been older, more capable, perhaps there would have been a few more familiar faces at the end. Perhaps you could have saved them, too, but...you could have been killed or taken, as well. I'm just glad you lived, one more teacher we didn't lose.
That year was a hard one. The Circle felt emptier for a long time, and I know we all felt it. The Templars, too.
[Something she never talked about with Anders, certain he had no interest in that perspective.]
I think I understand what you mean. I hadn't made any meaningful contribution, but if I had been older, more capable, perhaps there would have been a few more familiar faces at the end. Perhaps you could have saved them, too, but...you could have been killed or taken, as well. I'm just glad you lived, one more teacher we didn't lose.
Of course. I'm at your disposal. Should I assume it is a matter best discussed in person?
[That gets a muted smile.]
Well. At least the both of us know, in part, that our regrets aren't based in logic. There was no fairness in who survived and who did not; no logic to it. It simply was.
[They'd almost none of them survived, as close as they'd skated to annulment... but one trauma at a time.]
It left a lot of empty chairs at mealtimes, but it also made me value everyone left the more, I think.
Well. At least the both of us know, in part, that our regrets aren't based in logic. There was no fairness in who survived and who did not; no logic to it. It simply was.
[They'd almost none of them survived, as close as they'd skated to annulment... but one trauma at a time.]
It left a lot of empty chairs at mealtimes, but it also made me value everyone left the more, I think.
Being frightened isn't madness. But it also doesn't undo what was said. If I claim not to be a cook, but try my hand at cooking anyway and give everyone food poisoning, they're not especially comforted by the fact that I freely admit I'm bad at it.
What is it you want from me, Colin? [It's not hostile so much as wary; the sound of a man disinclined to get back into a circular argument he's recently exited.]
What is it you want from me, Colin? [It's not hostile so much as wary; the sound of a man disinclined to get back into a circular argument he's recently exited.]
I forgive you for lashing out, though I wish I were more confident you properly understood why I take the position I do.
I can't promise you something that's in no way in my power. But I intend to work as hard as I can to secure a sustainable future we can live with. Collectively, all of us. That was true before, and it hasn't changed.
As for you and I... every mage from Kinloch Hold is family. I'm not going to turn my back on that. On you. But I'm also not going to pretend things are simpler than they are in order to make you feel comfortable. I hope that isn't something you'll require of me. I didn't think it was before, but you can tell me if I was wrong.
I can't promise you something that's in no way in my power. But I intend to work as hard as I can to secure a sustainable future we can live with. Collectively, all of us. That was true before, and it hasn't changed.
As for you and I... every mage from Kinloch Hold is family. I'm not going to turn my back on that. On you. But I'm also not going to pretend things are simpler than they are in order to make you feel comfortable. I hope that isn't something you'll require of me. I didn't think it was before, but you can tell me if I was wrong.
[A pause.]
The way I think of you hasn't changed. I still think I could live in a Circle you designed. I just want you to have the chance to design it. That's all I wanted from any of this. I wanted people like you to have the power to change things. And it frightened me to think you didn't want that power after all.
The way I think of you hasn't changed. I still think I could live in a Circle you designed. I just want you to have the chance to design it. That's all I wanted from any of this. I wanted people like you to have the power to change things. And it frightened me to think you didn't want that power after all.
[There's a pause from Julius in turn.]
As several people have recently pointed out... we're no longer all of us in a position to think in total isolation. My future plans are certainly about mages, yes, but as Anders pointed out, I've a partner to think of who isn't a native mage. The future's necessarily gotten broader. Her plans matter too.
[If that sounds as if he's at least partly deferring to Petrana... well. It's meant to.]
As several people have recently pointed out... we're no longer all of us in a position to think in total isolation. My future plans are certainly about mages, yes, but as Anders pointed out, I've a partner to think of who isn't a native mage. The future's necessarily gotten broader. Her plans matter too.
[If that sounds as if he's at least partly deferring to Petrana... well. It's meant to.]
[A longer pause this time.]
...yes? Did you think she or I had somehow missed that fact?
...yes? Did you think she or I had somehow missed that fact?
Edited 2019-03-26 11:13 (UTC)
[It simply was. Inessa makes a mental note to tell herself that more often. Appeals to fairness and logic in the face of such a time of senseless savagery wouldn't lead anywhere sane. She manages a small smile in turn.]
Likewise...I think everyone I knew closed ranks a bit. The petty rivalries and whatnot didn't seem to matter anymore, or at least not more than offering each other some comfort.
...well, unspoken comfort. Very few actually seemed to talk about it, as we are now.
Likewise...I think everyone I knew closed ranks a bit. The petty rivalries and whatnot didn't seem to matter anymore, or at least not more than offering each other some comfort.
...well, unspoken comfort. Very few actually seemed to talk about it, as we are now.
I'm not entirely sure what is so...
[He breaks off his first thought.]
I don't believe I'm saying anything terribly cryptic. Petrana is a capable and ambitious woman, and she and I have both given signficant attention to the future. I didn't expect that to be a difficult thought to follow.
[He breaks off his first thought.]
I don't believe I'm saying anything terribly cryptic. Petrana is a capable and ambitious woman, and she and I have both given signficant attention to the future. I didn't expect that to be a difficult thought to follow.
That isn't, no. [Colin takes a breath. He very much wants to stop having this discussion.] But it's not an answer to my question. About not looking for the power to change things. Why are your plans so different if you're both going to the same place?
Edited 2019-03-27 19:10 (UTC)
I don't know what about the fact that I'm involved with the woman who was, until recently, the head of the diplomacy division suggests to you that our joint plans amount to "passively accept whatever is handed to us." My point was that my aims have gotten broader, not smaller, since arriving in Kirkwall. And I don't know what about my behavior has convinced you that I'm not intending to be a significant part of the inevitable change that is going to follow in the Inqusition's wake.
No. It seemed... well. There was hardly time, in the middle of a Blight, and then after it felt as if it was opening wounds that had begun to heal.
I'd do it differently now, though, I think. At the time it felt as if we were getting back to normal, but that wasn't really it, exactly. Nothing was really the same.
[The templars had been more paranoid, some who'd been neutral turned openly hostile. The enchanters had all kept a stricter eye on the apprentices, and on one another. Things quieted, but he wasn't sure how much they'd ever calmed.]
I'd do it differently now, though, I think. At the time it felt as if we were getting back to normal, but that wasn't really it, exactly. Nothing was really the same.
[The templars had been more paranoid, some who'd been neutral turned openly hostile. The enchanters had all kept a stricter eye on the apprentices, and on one another. Things quieted, but he wasn't sure how much they'd ever calmed.]
Page 6 of 26